A Question of Conscience

Posted on Sat Jul 10th, 2010 @ 11:53am by Lieutenant JG Hannah Andeti

Mission: Episode 1.2 - "A House Divided"
Location: Counselor's Suite
Timeline: Immediately following 'Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained'

Hannah watched as her office doors slide closed behind the young woman and she turned to return to her seat. Velia had approached her with a problem of her own and all that seemed to have happened was that Andeti had been made very aware of a rather striking change in her own personality. The ensign had come to her concerned about the people on the planet below, about their government's apparent unwillingness to help and Andeti had all but told her that she shouldn't care. She, a counselor, the one who had dedicated her life to other peoples' feelings and emotional stability and the truth was that when she thought about the colonists struggling to survive on the surface below, she just didn't care. She didn't deny that she agreed with the advice she had given Velia. Not to judge to quickly, not to be blinded by our own cultural standards was all good advice but there was something much more menacing inside the counselor that she was only now beginning to sense.

She felt her forehead crease as she dropped into the chair and retrieved her cold cup of coffee. She looked down into it, the sweetened liquid staring back with the sort of disinterest that she seemed to be feeling herself lately. Slowly she raised it to her mouth and took a sip. It was strange. She still looked at people with the eye of a counselor, looking at their problems and knowing, in some way, how to help them, but it had ceased being about that satisfaction she got from someone else's happiness and it had become something else. She would almost have described it as ennui, but it wasn't nearly as ethereal as that. It was almost . . . she hesitated to admit it, but almost an enjoyment of her ability to manipulate those around her.

The counselor scowled and the mug made a loud clunk as she dropped it back to her desk. That was it, she enjoyed that sensation of pushing someone towards an emotion, telling them what they needed to hear and encouraging them along a path predetermined not by them, but by her. Her skin began to almost tingle at this thought.

She sat back in her chair, eye trained on the untouched PaDD and for a moment she was very very glad that she would be seeing Earlond later. Whether she was planning on dealing with those emotions or not, she did feel . . . better around him, more herself, maybe. She felt herself frowning again, no, it wasn't that. She felt less obligated to put on this ideal persona when he was around, but it worried her that whoever that person was that he brought out was less caring, less optimistic and more analytical than she normally would be. Or maybe that was just who she really was and she had been denying it until now.

The counselor sighed and her hands were firm as she rubbed her eyes. No, she was confusing the issue. It wasn't the commander who brought this side out in her, it had been there long before she had met him and it was disturbing that it had taken only a conversation with the least emotionally available individual on the ship to make her realise it. No, it had been there for years, hiding behind her daily reality and while there was a darkness in everyone that she tried to acknowledge, she couldn't figure out why hers seemed to be growing.

She shivered and picked up the PaDD but found herself caught on the first few words as she tried not to think about her sister. Was this how that had happened? The rising antipathy that had blossomed and been tested by the murder of someone else? She closed her eyes, hand still around the PaDD as she saw the woman being murdered before her, her sister's hands and the feeling of complete terror and panic that rose from their victim. Hannah's eyes snapped open, her stomach turning and part of her felt relieved that she could still feel for the woman, feel with the woman.

And then it occured to her, the blocking out of her own ability, denying the thoughts and feelings of others to spare herself her past discomfort, was that at least partially to blame? She had never entirely blocked the feelings out, still able to sense basic rumblings and extreme emotions from her patients but was that no longer enough?

The counselor jumped as the doors opened and Myrin sauntered in, his usual self-satisfaction in place. He didn't notice right away, not until he had thrown himself into the seat that had only just been vacated by Ens. Moretti and his grin faltered.

"You look like you've seen a ghost." He was still smiling a little, not taking her apparent discomfort seriously, perhaps and she found herself unsurprised that he was still only an assistant.

"Yes." She shook her head, lips pressed together and focused on unfurrowing her forehead. "No." Slowly she felt it relax and Myrin's expression returned to his usual mocking humour.

"Yes, no, maybe. If there are ghosts running around ship, Lt. Fala will probably want to know about it."

She forced a smile and then a laugh. "Just thinking, Myrin."

"Ah."

She studied him for a moment, trying to remember what he had been doing, but he provided the answer for her.

"Engineering still won't take a look at the temperature control. Apparently it's 'not essential systems' and we'll have to make due."

The importance of this issue seemed completely minor now, but she had to ask. "Any ideas?"

He grinned. "Make a sweater?"

She forced a laugh again and her eyes finally focused on the PaDD. "Ens. Merryweather will be coming in a few minutes. I was wondering if you would like to speak with him today."

The ensign brightened like a freshly shined penny. "Of course!"

Andeti nodded. "Glad to hear it." And she was, but whether that was because she appreciated his enthusiasm for his job, or she just couldn't be bothered to care about Merryweather's marital crisis she wasn't sure.



by

Lt jg Hannah Andeti
Chief Counselor
USS Pandora